work was a nightmare

I cried at work today. Luckily I made it to my lunch before breaking down; I spent the whole half-hour upset. It was one of the most stressful work days I have ever had.

However, everyone was so super nice to me, that it made it all better. I love my co-workers! Everyone is so lovely and supportive! They are the best kind of bandage.

Hopefully Black Friday is a little better than today was. But it probably won't be.

sigh

why do I do this to myself?

sickie

I left work early today because I wasn't feeling that great. I'm not precisely sick, more like I can feel something coming on and I want to do my best to fight it BEFORE I get sick. So when I got home I ate warm food, read in bed, and napped a little. It seems to have helped for the most part, although there's still this weird thickness in my throat and the back of my nasal passage. I don't really know how to describe it other than it feels like the start of a head cold. Let's hope that when I wake up tomorrow morning I'll be right as rain!

Sick or not, though, I'm going to work tomorrow. I felt bad leaving early today and I don't want to miss any more work this week. So I'm going.

I have Thursday and Friday off, though, so I can rest up then, too.

Friday is my anniversary with Boyfriend!

you could be a part time model

(but you'd probably have to keep your regular job)

I know this blog went from an artist-marketing tool into a more a personal escapade, but no matter. I feel that to know my art, you have to know me, and vice versa. I would very much like to post more sketches and in-progress photos, but I am working so much that my free time is very limited, and lately I have been pouring all that I am into my secret project, which doesn't have much to do with art. It's all about prioritizing. And I guess with my art, I'm just trying to keep it sacred.

There's a myth in Hinduism that Lakshmi (the goddess of wealth) and Sarasvati (the goddess of creativity) are jealous rivals, and that if you court only Lakshmi, Sarasvati's gifts will surely leave you. I felt that I was trying desperately to woo Lakshmi, and that Sarasvati was starting to get very impatient with me. I am now trying to win her back, and as such I have not been "on my game" when it comes to marketing myself and my craft.

But I've been thinking a lot about it lately, and I am okay with my art taking a backseat (professionally speaking) for a little bit. I still want to submit to SageWoman and to Wizards of the Coast... that will always be one of my goals. But I've just been...so tired lately, and it's nice to just SKETCH, without any thoughts of whether the image will be sell-able or if I should try submitting it, or.... etc.

If that counts as "giving up," then maybe I have for now. Not forever. But just for now.

It doesn't mean I'm not drawing. I'm just not pimping myself as much as I tried to do right before/right after the SCBWI conference.

That conference really killed me. It really did. And I guess my confidence in myself has never been the same. I don't know what I want from myself, or my skill. I just know that I want to be happy. And having my drawings be my children again, instead of my whores, feels good. Feels right.
(I know that's a weird way to put it, but that's how I was starting to feel).

I don't know if anyone reads this, but even if I'm typing this only for myself, it's nice to realize that I'm starting to become happy with my art again. Maybe some day I can be "an artist"... full time, part time, whatever. My commissions are going well lately, and that counts (of course), but obviously the dream is to draw whatever I want and get paid to do it... right?

Too bad I don't know how to begin with the whole gallery process. I think that would be fun, without the stress of the "freelance illustrator" thing hanging over my head. I just have no idea how to start.

I'm just shooting for the moon and hoping that WHEN I fall, at least maybe I'll reach a star or two...

EDIT: (after a good half-hour of thinking)
I realized that I haven't actually given up, but I am at a complete loss for how to proceed. After I posted I looked at a bunch of galleries online, noted which were accepting submissions...I just wish I had time to put together a solid selection of new work that all related to one another and could be potentially put together as a show. Because I have a feeling that's what they'd want to see.

Oh and as you can see, I changed my blog address. I want to have a solid art one (which will be strangeladypress.blogspot.com), even if I only update once in awhile.

Peace.

Grease Light-ning!

Just as I was leaving for work I got a call from my manager saying not to come in today, because the cafe will not be open; the grease trap at the Cafe overflowed. I have to call at 4pm to see if work will resume tomorrow... but it may not.

So! Poor Tony. But it's nice to get a surprise day off. I immediately jumped back in my jammies, slept for a few hours, and now that Boyfriend has gone to work I am going to continue on my project.

:)

INVALIDATE PROP 8

I am very passionate about equal rights for all human beings, regardless of skin color, nationality, religion (or lack of one), sexual orientation, etc. Therefore, although I was pleased that our country has elected its first African-American president, I was ashamed of my state, California, for voting to eliminate rights for our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.

Please join me in the fight against discrimination.

Go to www.invalidateprop8.org to make contributions to the cause.
Go to http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/repealprop8 to sign a petition and e-mail the website to your friends and family.

If you don't have money to donate, just signing the petition will help.

You can also show your disapproval by writing to your senators, governor, and other representatives, to let them know that you are ashamed by this step-backward our state has unfortunately taken.

With your help, I believe we can repeal Prop 8. It is unconstitutional, unfair, and wrong. Its' passing shows me that the majority of our population is diseased and bigoted. We must right this wrong and overturn this unfortunate decision.

I am usually not quite so political, but this is an issue that is dear to me. I believe that everyone truly is equal. And above all, I believe in Love. I believe that Love should conquer all. And I hope that it can conquer this.

Thank you so much for reading, and please do what you can to help our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters.

are you a good witch or a bad witch?

My head hurts, so I can't do much by way of reading or writing, or even sketching, to pass the time. At the moment I'm best suited for pointless activity. So I messed around in Photoshop a little and changed the colors on an old picture of me.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

blerg.

So the issue at work got resolved. I spoke with the store manager and my direct manager and they had a talk with the offending person about the attitude problem.
Today was the first day we've been scheduled together since then and there were no problems. So that's good.

Obama is president, and for that I am happy. But I really am hating on CA right now. I can't believe we passed Prop8. So many of my friends are gay, and I hate living in a state that believes they are evil and undeserving of rights. Isn't it just RICH that intolerant bigots are allowed to marry other intolerant bigots, and breed baby intolerant bigots, but people who are in love can't get married or adopt children?

I also hate that I live in Simi Valley, who just BARELY voted for Obama.

*sigh*

Anyway, in other news, I've recently finished up a few commissions! So it was nice to get a little work and cash for my art :) I have one more that I'm doing, it's a tattoo design for one of the managers at the store. I had too much coffee and am crashing so I probably won't do it today, but maybe soon. Then I want to get back to my evil mermaid!

Secret project is going well. Very well!

I got a book today about evil kings and queens from Europe. It has huge full-color paintings and it seems super dope! I can't wait to read it! I love morbid monarchs.

I am working tomorrow and Friday... I have also worked Mon, Tues, and today of this week. I am getting sleepy! Next week I go back to Mon-Thurs though, but on Tues and Thurs I come in at 7:30am and open all by myself! Crazy! So we'll see how that goes, eh?

Boyfriend is at work right now. We were as ships passing in the night, him leaving mere minutes before I got home. I could really use some cuddles right now, so this fact of his absence makes me a sad goose.

I believe I shall go read now, though. Away!